the sweetest in grievance

Part. 1

Things I never said

The Sweetest Melancholy

Get out of the graveyard

A family of 4, fell through the floor

Stages of grief

Let my mind go to war

Sunstroke

Magic 8 Ball

Am I a Burden?

10 Days in Gray

the sweetest In death

Part. 2

Limerence

Skeleton

Catastrophic

You’re not 14

Not yet…

You changed Destiny… but happy sweet 16

Prison cell

18 wishes (Killed in an instant)

E.D is Dead

Chapter 20 (In your twenties)

The sweetest in reminiscence

Part.3

To be determined…

Lou

Sun and moon tattoos

Ways you lie

The crush

Carnival lights (Don’t talk)

Cheers I scream

Lost again

Dolly

Relieve me

Things I…

Have burned into my mind forever

Anger in the room and the fear

I look back every now and then

I feel disconsolate all over again, my being a constant target

Forced to stay silent and watch the riot

While all good was passed into oblivion, along with my tears

Just a shiny badge to blindly take what was so dear

A brainless act because they left out facts, motives were unclear

My existence faded to a shadow

It was a calumny, the words are still biting at my ear

What I wanted to say, well no one knows

…Never said

In the courthouse, all the raised brows, questioning my family now

Things I never said

Things other people did

All reduced to ashes now

Things I…

See when I sleep

Wake up in the night and I can’t breathe

Faces I deceive in the dark, where they put me

They won't ever leave

My heart was aching with the grit of my teeth

The traitors and sneaks, it was desperate greed

Relations weren’t the greatest, turned love to madness

No consideration, not in the slightest

Seemed too vivacious with their ways, they enjoyed the sick games

My stomach was twisted, matching what wasn’t a clever play

Logic was non-existent, the truth

…Never said

On the school grounds, all the caps and gowns, questioning my life now

Things I never said

Things other people did

All reduced to ashes now

All the lonely past times

The nightmarish crimes

Bad memories, ones that made me hate my bloodline

Lies that cut my skin like knives

Soul-sucking, selfish eyes that I don't even recognize

All the power they held, brought my safe houses down, burning on broken ground

They’re ghosts to me now

Actions weren't heroic but they were cruel

Clowned there way through town, thinking they knew the truth

What was true, was not assumed

Dangerous and doomed

Still stitching up flesh wounds

They won’t ever hurt the way I still do

Longing they would but they won’t

In the madhouse, all the sirens sound, questioning my world now

Things I never said

Things other people did

All reduced to ashes now

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Dresses in twinkling lights, dazzle and be dazzled under streetlights

Can someone forget a night that was never theirs

Really it was for those who stood out like the sight of flares

You brought in crowds but my name was always mispronounced

Didn't exchange glances, I couldn’t take chances

Together, I foresaw a bad melody

The sweetest melancholy (of feelings, for a person I never knew)

The sweetest melancholy (of war dances, with you)

The sweetest melancholy (in masses, I wished upon others too)

Sweet, pensive sadness, that’s what this illusory is

Desiring different dreams, I pretend I’m apart of royals with my golden rings

There was no crown won, just some plastic, the real thing all gone

You had a crooked smile like the rest of your guests

What a magical scene for you and all your friends

All I would never be and the headache never ends

Forever, I foresaw a bad melody

The sweetest melancholy (of feelings, for a person I never knew)

The sweetest melancholy (of war dances, with you)

The sweetest melancholy (in masses, I wished upon others too)

Sweet, pensive sadness, that’s what this illusory is

Could have been better if the moment wasn’t bitter

Didn’t see potential in forgiveness, so now I write about “only if’s” in forms of poetry

Thousands of words, that I can only say on paper

The sweetest melancholy (for people, I thought I knew)

The sweetest melancholy (of war dances, I was there with you)

The sweetest melancholy (in masses, I really wished upon others too)

A bad melodic memory, it’s not illusory, it’s not imaginary

All that you made for me, simply melancholy

Sweet, pensive sadness, that's what this is

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We were just kids, playing on the merry-go-round

Around in circles, back to our favorite place

That became too real now

Ghostly days with you, didn’t know they would come true

Running with phantoms up and down the stairs

The creek in the floorboards of the haunted schoolhouse

You took “pretend” too seriously

Puffs of chalkboard dust still lingering

Your sight unseen but you’re with me

You were just a kid, a bully by the swings

Swinging with force, back to our clock tower town

That became fear now

Ghostly days from you, had me hiding underneath the sheets

Running from the police up and down the streets

The broken glass on concrete, throwing bottles of perfume

You lit the fuse too quickly

Puffs of smoke still in a ring

The battle a scene and you almost beat me

Stealing liquor, burning bridges, going down and for what

Embers and rust, in place of our trust

How could that become us

If you cut me, I’d bleed but I wouldn’t feel it

I'm surprised by you, not what you do

So we became nothing but you don't seem to care

Psychopath beneath the stars, get out of the graveyard

I want to yell, get out of the graveyard

Frustrated in the darkest times

You'll keep on keeping me in the dark

I'll just get mad, stay mad, I’m mad

Why don't you get that

You don't seem to care

Psychopath beneath the stars, get out of the graveyard

I want to yell, get out of the graveyard

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A family of 4, fell through the floor

Nothing is the same anymore

When I'm driving down the road

My hands turn freezing cold

I space away and feel terrible

Your memory a dread, stuck in my head

Supposed to be next to me changing the stereo, making me mad

Instead I'm just mad that you left, left a mess

I struggle as you strangle what’s true

Lies grow like vines and ther’ re in tangles with your shadowing rues

Inside the blackboard jungle are you pissed off too

Well you shouldn't be, it's the life you chose, for you

Our family of 4, fell through the floor

Its all different, we’re different

In case you're unaware you left us to our puddles of tears

You were not tough with all your drugs and stuff

A torment, a trouble, never feared someone the way we fear you

I'm afraid of you

I contemplate your vile judgment, wonder how our time would be

If you were still in your right mind, before you betrayed me

Now it's an unfamiliar life I'm living

Christmas went from the favorite, to the most hated

The songs are dreary, always replay you first

Replay us opening gifts under the tree, it's not the way it used to be

I blame you for making a sad holiday

The good times, all up in flames

So I'll just melt away in the fire you made

Our family of 4, fell through the floor

Its all different, we’re different

In case you're unaware you left us to our puddles of tears

You were not tough with all your drugs and stuff

A torment, a trouble, never feared someone the way we fear you

I'm afraid of you

When you call us, is it easy to ignore us

Ignore the tragedy, the chaos

Ignore the 4 of us

It will be easy because you already did

We were a family of 4, but we fell through the floor

My sister was unaware, she left us to our puddles of tears

A torment, a trouble, never feared someone the way we feared her

I was afraid of her

Because I still love her, we still love her

But I’m afraid of her

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I sat on my bedroom floor, in denial

I ignored what I should have expected

Didn't put the pieces together

So I sat on my bedroom floor and rearranged my pictures

The grievance hidden behind a temporary smile

I looked ahead out of focus from the “now”

Played other peoples games, let them fall out of line

Continued my everyday life but it was only a matter of time

Made too many plans, just to end up lost

Any chance of being wronged, I denied

Broke down in front of myself, in anger

Screamed to the mirror, screamed that I hate her

Didn’t see all the lunacy

So I broke down in front of myself and cried all my makeup off

My beam was hidden behind my tears

I looked back to my past so confused about the “now”

Said words I still mean but my heart was off beat

My feelings buried deep and so far beneath the world, I’d suffocate

Put too much trust in my enemies, just to dig my own grave

Any chance of being alright, I angered

Drink my coffee

The only thing that's sweet

Damn me for giving a damn

Damn the liars for all this grief

Stared at my phone, in bargain

Talked out loud to no one

Didn't notice I was falling apart

So I stared at my phone and looked for a new home

My reality hidden behind my hope

I looked forward not paying attention to the “now”

Taped up some boxes, let myself quit college

Unbotherd by worried responses, I ignored the prices

Had too many sleepless nights, just to end up sleep deprived

Any chance of being practical, I bargained

Layed in my bed, in depression

Watched dishes pile up

Didn't realize I was giving up

So I layed in my bed and starved my body again

The sad girl hidden behind a closed door

I looked nowhere as I suffered in the “now”

Covered up the windows, stayed in the same clothes

I formed images of myself lying on railroads

Went too many days alone, just to forget how to be human

Any chance of being admired, I depressed

Drink my coffee

The only thing that's sweet

Damn me for giving a damn

Damn the liars for all this grief

I took in a new view, in acceptance

Maybe I fought the fight, I never thought I could

So I took in a new view and found a cure

A misunderstood girl hidden behind a pen and some paper

I look for the “now”

Didn’t go over my head, finally I’m paying attention

Things I never said, always stuck in my own head

A pestilence-like dread, so I’m hitting dead ends

Any chance of being closer to closure, I accept

Drink my coffee

It’s still sweet but it’s not the only thing

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Back home with all the conspiracies

My mind played tricks on me

I was spinning, seeing stars, I don't know if they’re real or not

Every gut instinct told me I was being watched

Constant shoulder checks, like someone was breathing down my neck

Weary and crazed so I didn't mention a thing

But I didn't doubt the probability

Weird I felt the presence of creeps like a breeze

Seemed as if they were chasing me but I seemed unbalanced, so hysterically unseen

Moved away, wandered into a different state

The concern let go of me

Let my mind go to war on the possibilities, that deceitful eyes were once watching me

Wake up from insane dreams, I see my rivals when I sleep

Don't feel alone in the dark

I’d turn on the light and feel ghosts in the room

Was nothing amiss

Was my every gut instinct faulty, fallacious, I'm just so ridiculous

Weird I felt the presence of creeps like a breeze

Seemed as if they were chasing but I seemed unbalanced, hysterically unseen

Moved away, wandered into a different state

The concern let go of me

Let my mind go to war on the possibilities that deceitful eyes were once watching me

Familiar cars outside the courtyard, parked where they shouldn't be, to mess with me

Tapping on my windows on early, gloomy mornings, to tease me

The cruelest in the stands, sitting where they shouldn't be, to break me

Too many people hate me, will they get to me

Always in plain sight, visible to the naked eye but I couldn't see

I didn’t see but I felt the breeze

It’s all so hysterical to me

In a different state and there are better days

Let go of the concern but there was possibility

My mind at war, with me

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You screamed just to cause a riot

Claimed this and that without even asking

Kicked me out of the crowd

When the new rumors came around

It happened quick, difficult to accept

Lost sight, my vision spotty in a room of bright lights

My eyes watered and burnt streaks into the red in my cheeks

Dizzy and sick, couldn't walk on my own two feet

Chills on my cold skin, I shook like all the caffeine finally caught up to me

Lips were ice, looking like a dummy and I forgot how to speak

Frostbite, the day our eyes meet again

I was left in the cold, left alone

There was no choice but they chose her

Hit with a sunstroke

It was a slow choke

My nerves shattered, a scene for the country folk

Sunstroke

Childish schemes, so much to take in

She believed I killed her but she really killed me

A masacre made from my shaking hands, that’s what the children were told to think

Sad what she did to a friend

Done like a joke and she would do it again

A numb feeling, leaving me completely detached

Head pounding as air escaped my lungs

There was no choice but she chose herself

Hit with a sunstroke

It was a slow choke

My nerves shattered, a scene for the country folk

Sunstroke

An ongoing silent war, to become the push around that they were

Blame the innocent, the one not holding the gun

Don't be surprised when I don't give you time

Say what's true but not a soul believes you

I guess if your nice you pay the price

Fight constant battles but can't seem to win

Because you're around those who bring the drama in

And that's the difference between me and them

I don’t like the arduous feeling that comes from all of it

Hit with a sunstroke

It was a slow choke

My nerves shattered, a scene for the country folk

Sunstroke

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Magic 8 ball

You came into my life, when I was finally doing better

Showed me friendship, sisterhood and your were there for me

Until you werent

Our bond was special

Talked for hours, stayed awake until sunrise, in just the first week

That's rare for me

Picked out sun and moon tattoos

I told my secrets, you told yours

I finally had a friend for the first time in too long

I had a friend

Threw excitement at the sky

Screamed for joy this time

Searched for affirmatives, like “it is certain”

Magic 8 ball replies

To make up my own mind

I encouraged your education

Told you school would be better if we had eachother, a less lonely place

You listened, so it was okay

I knew you and you knew me

You graduated months later and I hate to admit but that was because of me

I watched you receive that diploma

You took it and ran

That wasn’t the plan

But you had the chance, so you did

You made my heartache, your own

That was the excuse, so you packed your suitcase

We lost connection because you can't communicate well

Left the situation unsettled

It bothered me

Threw questions at the sky

Screamed “why” this time

Searched for non-committals, like “try again”

Magic 8 ball replies

To make up my own mind

A year passed, I still thought of you

Made the mistake of picking up my phone and calling you

I should have let go, why couldn’t I let go

Thought I needed you again

I chose to ignore the facts, because you were close to me

Showed you my world two times

But I know you now, different than before

You are not my friend, not the one I thought you were

You don’t know what that word means

If you did, you wouldn't have done what you did so easily to me

Threw disappointment at the sky

Screamed “I know” this time

Searched for negatives, like “don’t count on it”

Magic 8 ball replies

To make up my own mind

I should have let go, why couldn't I let go

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Am I A Burden?

I'm a good kid, that's what they all said

Am I good

Or just lying to myself or by somebody else instead

Don't believe I’ve made my friends hearts happy the way they did mine

Hate feeling like a string along, like they don't need me at all

I'm not seeing life through a lens that's fogged and gray

I just want to know, if I'm in the way

Am I a burden, what a way to put the burden on me

Im questioning my own questions, like

Do they love me or do they just love being around me

Am I something carried, forced to bear

Maybe I'm paranoid and they actually care

There all proud of me, why isn't that what I see

I'm a burden, a burden to myself, only me

Right…

Treat others the way you want to be treated, that's what they all said

Am I though

I just want to know, what do they want from me

Am I a burden, what a way to put the burden on me

Im questioning my own questions, like

Do they love me or do they just love being around me

Am I something carried, forced to bear

Maybe I'm paranoid and they actually care

There all proud of me, why isn't that what I see

I'm a burden, a burden to myself, only me

Right…

Im independent, that's what I’ve always said

Am I

Or does it just sound better than admitting I’m all alone

Im certain that my mind is not decisive

One minute I know who my friends are, the next I don't even know who I am anymore

Hate feeling second best but I know I’m such a mess

Coming out of the rut is grueling

You want to put the blame on someone else

I can only blame me

I just can’t tell, am I burden to my friends or myself

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10 days in gray

I layed in the dark, stuck in a paranoid state

Lost some of my hair and my clothes got too big

Questioned all I’d ever done and said

Because I couldn't seem to make it through life the way my friends did

Spent 10 days in my room and never left my house

Spent 10 days a wreck wondering how

For 5 months, 5 times, I'd do again the 10

I was tired of trying to live in my old town, stuck in the lion's den

Spent 10 days losing my mind

Spent 10 days wondering why

For 5 months, 5 times, I’d do again the 10

10 days in gray, I asked myself, when will it end

I would get up, never give up completely

But then fall back and let life control me

Repeat the steps, like it was all I ever knew

At that point, it was the only right I could do

Spent 10 days in my room and never left my house

Spent 10 days a wreck wondering how

For 5 months, 5 times, I'd do again the 10

I was tired of trying to live in my old town, stuck in the lion's den

Spent 10 days losing my mind

Spent 10 days wondering why

For 5 months, 5 times, I’d do again the 10

10 days in gray, I asked myself, when will it end

My body grew thin and I wasted my days away

Felt my soul losing bits of life and I couldn't heal lost time

So I chose the road and saw everything as a sign

I didn't run to hide

It was just something I hadn’t tried

California, that's when

My 10 days in gray came to an end

The skies and the breezes

The sands and beaches

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